go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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