You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
