i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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