Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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