A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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