probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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