Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize