I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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