he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
