I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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