Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
