I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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