don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
