She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
