why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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