I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
