onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He shit in the fireplace
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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