Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
