Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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