She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone