we're chasing vodka with high fives
I look better un-naked...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
