my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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