1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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