Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
