Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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