My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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