if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
