Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
