whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
