im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
