you traded sex for a burrito?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
