saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
