Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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