Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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