Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
