Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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