Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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