ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I supernannyed him into submission
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
