I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
