I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
