just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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