So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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