I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Also, beer. Big fan.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
