remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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