That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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