he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
