her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
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Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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