I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
