i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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