she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
