I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
