just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
