Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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