I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
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Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
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Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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