after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
