I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She's the barista slut.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
