White coat. Heels.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
