dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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