it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
